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Only Elton John can save the world from Donald Trump

July 6, 2018 10:49 PM
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Trump: “You know, I was with Elton John. Elton John. Anybody like Elton John? I like him. And a lot of times like he’ll do this last song. And it’s so great. It’s so unbelievable. The place is standing and roaring and going incredible. And then there’ll be like — he’ll come back for like three more, right? And the three aren’t as good as the last one. And people go, ‘Good, let’s get out of here, Alice.’”

What is he talking about? I have no clue, Alice. His speeches are brainteasers. They are sonic Sudokus. But this is the important part: whenever he mentions his “good friend” Elton, those rambling words lose their repulsive edge.

Trump has run out of celebrities to mutually hate. But throughout his wildly polarizing political odyssey, he’s never stopped adoring John. Not when the singer pointedly declined to perform at his inauguration. Not when the singer asked campaign organizers to stop playing “Tiny Dancer” at campaign rallies otherwise filled with angry foxtrots. Not when the singer endorsed Hillary Clinton. Not when the singer made it clear he thought Trump’s policies were revolting. Not ever.

This is why John should now realize the unique power he holds. In the terrifying funhouse that is Trump’s imagination, Elton John is always slouched over a grand piano and belting out “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues.” This is why he should do the opposite of what every celebrity is doing and embrace Trump.

Imagine what might happen if John meets with Trump next week in London and the two reminisce about all the great times they had before politics tore them apart. Imagine if John moved into the White House and randomly appeared with a keyboard dangling from his neck, breaking into spontaneous song at key moments in this deranged presidency. There’s no way Trump could ever lock children in cages after hearing a live version of “Candle in the Wind,” one of his favourites.

Trump is banging on about tariffs that could plunge the world into recession? Quick, Elton, sing, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” — we’ll get Ivanka to do the other part of the duet. Trump is blathering on about The Wall? Elton, please, play “Border Song” so this guy can see the light. Trump is preparing for his summit with Vladimir Putin? Elton, throw on a sequined tank top and crazy sunglasses and nail “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” before the sun goes down on all of us.

I’ll admit Trump’s love of John is a bigger mystery than Stonehenge. But it is real.

And the president is right about Elton having an organ — it’s called a heart.

John should use it now to manipulate, to sway, to persuade, to change the horrible music that keeps coming out of Trump’s mouth.


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