Cover: Finally! A week-late account of how Meghan shut her own car door. Dearest readers, please remember this mostly pleasant article that brags about how down-to-earth she is, because in a month, Star will have an exposé about how the duchess is a spoiled rotten brat who’s spending the Queen’s money like water. The ciiiiiiircle of liiiiiife!
More like McStingy: A tidbit of a story reveals that Patrick Dempsey is so cheap that he didn’t want to pay the $12 parking fee at Chateau Marmont. Is that a lot? A $12 parking spot seems so insanely inexpensive that I might buy a car and drive it to Hollywood just so I can park it there and brag about how little I paid. But what do I know? I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.
Cover: As a woman who doesn’t want kids, just once I wish the tabloids would be like “We have a big baby announcement! Our dream of not having kids has finally come true! I’m going through menopause and I don’t have to worry anymore! Team #NoKids!” But sure, In Touch. Tell me more about a Brad Pitt designed nursery. Fingers crossed for a brutalist crib.
Taken to flask: Chrissy Teigen has said she wants to curb her drinking enthusiasm a bit, but was spotted on the red carpet swigging from a flask. Then Gwyneth Paltrow had her on her Goop Podcast (There’s a Goop podcast!?) and called her out on it and ugh, jeez Gwyneth! Can Chrissy Teigen live? Who among us hasn’t needed a pull from a flask to get through an awards show!?